So anyways, today I'm going to tell you about one of my earliest memories! This experience severely traumatized me and I'm pretty sure that any normal person would have schizofreniparanoiahysteriopsychosis after this.
Picture in your mind being 3 years old. Or maybe 2. Or even 1 and a half, I don't know my memory doesn't have a calender, it really should go buy one. Anyways, you're 3-2-1&1/2 years old and in the far distant jungles of Africa. And by jungles I means zoo. And by Africa I mean San Diego.
Anyways, you're there with your mom and dad who promise to love you and care for you and never do anything to intentionally get you viciously mauled by wild animals, and then suddenly they're gone. They've disappeared, and you're lost forever. All you can think about is how evil all the animals around you are that are going to eat your face and maybe one of your arms and like, use your legs as chew toys. Remember how my dog saw the fly in the last post?
Yeah. That thing has an SMG, a knife, and a laser cannon. And it was staring straight at me. My mom and dad, who in my 3-2-1&1/2-year-old mind had magic gun/knife/laser-wielding-panther fighting abilities, were nowhere to be found. Naturally, I did what any brave soul would do in that sort of situation. I sat down and started bawling my eyes out. The next thing I know, my parents rushed to the rescue, and the evil gun/knife/laser panther turned back into a cardboard cut out of a lion. The day was saved. But I couldn't ever trust my parents to take care of me ever again. They claim they were trying to "teach me a lesson" and that "they were there the whole time" and that I "kept wandering off," but I know they're secretly in the GKLWPLWPWHTC (Gun and Knife and Laser Wielding Panther League With Parents Who Hate Their Children).
The GKLWPLWPWHTC: Kinda like the Justice league but instead of Batman it's
"Gunknifelaserpantherman" and Superman is like, "Parentwhowantshischild'sfacetobemauledoffman"
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