Puppy

When I was about eight or twelve or sixteen, my brother and some friends and I totally were spending the weekend at my grandparents house. And even better than my grandparents house, is their barn. And not barn like "hey look at all the animals cows and horses and wait what is this I just stepped in poop why in the world would you keep poop in a barn" but instead it's a bed and breakfast that we just call the barn because it's a lot easier to say than the place where you say "hey look at all the animals cows and horses and wait what is this I just stepped in poop why in the world would you keep poop in a barn."

 While there at the barn and breakfast, we were outside doing manly stuff in the pasture/yard thing like throwing footballs and hitting each other in the face and eating raisins or something.

While out there, we found a small bunny rabbit. So naturally, we put it in a box with grass and leaves so, in the words of Mitch Hedberg, "it'd be like its natural habitat." If you don't know who Mitch Hedberg is then you need to go to google and type in "Mitch Hedberg" because he was one of the greatest comedians/stoners who ever lived. Ever. Times infinity.

So we named the bunny "Puppy," because that's the only logical name for a woodland creature like that.  After a while, we decided that puppy had lived in its natural habitat long enough. So we decided to let him go and chase him because after being traumatically captured by giant two-legged freaks, any one of you would love to run around the yard followed by them. We weren't chasing him for no reason, we were trying to guide him back to his home to be back with his rabbit family and his rabbit mother who I'm sure misses him and has probably called the rabbit police or whatever they call for rabbit emergencies.

Then. The horror. Before I go on to the next part of my narrative, I need to get you familiar with my grandparents' dog Blackie. Not Blackie because they are racist but just because he is a black lab and they were born in a different time and you shouldn't judge them. Blackie is huge. No. Blackie is enormous. No. You know what, I think this picture is a pretty accurate representation of this dog.

Imagine that, but thirty billion times fatter. Now imagine that moving at two hundred thousand miles per hour. Two hundred thousand miles per hour straight towards Puppy. I didn't know something that huge could move a tenth of the speed he ran. Then poof. The rabbit is gone like David Blaine or something. And he didn't even put it on our bodies. He ate it. He ate Puppy. And to an eight or twelve or sixteen year old who has never really seen death live before, this was a traumatic event. I think I'm a curse to small animals.

Moral of the story: Don't let bunnies loose if you're in the general vicinity of Blackie. Or any dog. Just leave all bunnies alone forever.

P.S: Fun fact! It took me about three tries to spell raisin. Raisen? Raison? ...Raisan? Raisin. Nailed it.